Even after all this time,

panicsmith @ 2009-04-29T18:16:00

2009-04-30T01:19:07Z

She's a fast girl.

Makes fast friends.

Falls fast.

Fails fast.

and just wishes it would

all

sloooooooow

d
o
w
n

I would also tell you to.....

2009-04-15T06:45:02Z

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

what I would say to you....

2009-04-15T05:47:34Z

I wish we had never met.

Days like this make me hope there is a heaven

2009-03-18T01:28:23Z

http://www.redding.com/news/2009/mar/17/redding-drowning-victim-identified/

check it out.

If there is a heaven i hope he's there.

All this death shit, is bull shit. I don't want to hear about the circle of life, or "everyone has their time, and his was now." Because I know, okay. I KNOW.

high fashion

2009-02-15T23:30:48Z

I wish they would changes the expectations in high fashion.

I found this website today....

lookbook.nu/top#more

and while I really enjoyed all of the fashions in the photos, I would have killed just to find one girl that wasn't disgustingly skinny. I know some people can't help their size, (blame it on fast metabolism, genes, whatever.) but I would find it refreshing to see someone with my body type able to successfully model high fashion.

panicsmith @ 2009-02-06T22:10:00

2009-02-07T06:14:09Z

"Kitchen Linoleum"
Audre Lorde

The cockroach
who is dying
and the woman
who is blind
agree
not to notice
each other's shame.

I really liked this.

and wanted to share.

~~I'm going to attempt to make music with PH. I'm excited, or I will be if I manage to follow through.~~

I think I might go buy some peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate. yummy.

swiss army knife (no longer applies)

2008-10-24T18:27:39Z

I just want you to know....

every time you leave I feel like I'm dying a little bit.

Then on random occurrences, at random points in the day, provoked by random things, I almost start to cry.

In the end I suck it up, and tell myself not to be so dumb. I should have taken the initiative.

Ya know?

But the truth is I miss you already. so so so so so so so so so so much. and I really want you to come home, because, well, I'm really not me without you.

But then on random occurrences, at random points in the day, provoked by random things, (like this journal entry) I actually do cry.

so just fucking come home already.

(but really, don't, I'm just being selfish.)

Isn't that just like me?

let's start with a clean house

2008-09-30T20:25:20Z

then keep it that way.

I'm ready to cut ties with this monster of a body. I find it sad and depressing that I find myself too unattractive to be physically intimate with the one guy who thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

After losing my job at costco I kind of started reevaluating the way life has been. Things aren't bad, they aren't great, they just are. I also might just be having a quarter life crisis.

In some sort of half assed attempt to make a couple changes I put all my school books on top the book shelf as a reminder to study and I started cleaning the house, but only got half done.

I suppose that my biggest issue is scheduling. I don't want to turn into one of those OCD anal types, but it seems like I need to have some sort of structure to my days. Something like, Saturday is hosue cleaning day and nothing can happen until I'm finished. 7pm to 9pm is studying time. (nearly every show I enjoy comes on at 9) then I get to veg out for the rest of the night.

My mornings are increasingly more frustrating. I blame my lucid dreams, I never want to wake up because they've been so great lately. In the back of my mind however I'm screaming at myself to wake the fuck up and walk the dog. Maybe tonight I'll get my running shoes and workout clothes layed out as a reminder when I wake up. Maybe.

I didn't ask you if you had cancer

2008-09-17T16:55:35Z

so get over yourself.

p.s.

2008-08-28T21:48:25Z

would someone mind giving be some ideas for a new hobby or pasttime?

creature of habit

2008-08-28T21:47:19Z

I need to start making "resolutions" I can stick to.

so I'm going to do them one at a time.

the resolution for this week:

Read a book, entirely. I think I'll finally sit down and read Hocus Pocus without stopping 60 pages in.

I work at Costco now. It's not too bad. I'm in the food court which sucks cause my skin is hating me for it. but..... I make 11 an hour, and time and a half on sunday's. I really can't complain.

School is going well. Despite my 18 units I'm sure I'll do well. I'm actually very interested in all my classes. I've already decided what I'm going to do my informative speech about for public speaking: How To Survive a Zombie Attack. How cool is that?

sex

2008-07-31T10:24:44Z

I used to want to fuck this guy.....

But now I want to fuck this guy.....

But he's only 17 so I have to wait.

Bummer.

to be 18.

2008-04-29T07:57:38Z

party every night.

but it's not a party if it happens every night.

I'm nearly 23 years old. I feel like I'm trapped in this alternate reality of how my life should have been when I was 18.

I hope I wasn't as selfish as all these people I know now.

I probably was.

30 days until I can make things happen. A grueling 30 days I'm sure. I have the incredible ability to make the benefits outweigh the disadvantages all the time.

I'm perfect to a fault.

Quarter Year Resolutions: revisited

2008-04-06T18:28:34Z

I just posted this as a bulletin on MySpace:

ATTENTION: those of you who come to my house.

I'm going to try to quit smoking.

key word: TRY.

this means if you're hanging out over here I would appreciate it if you smoked outside.

to make this more comfortable for you, there are 2 chairs and an ashtray!

thanks guys!

ps.this starts tomorrow (Monday)

HAPPY LAST DAY (hopefully) OF SMOKING TO ME!

Wish me luck.

This will also go hand in hand with saving money, I imagine if I'm spending $25 a week on ciggarettes, I can just put $25 a week in savings. As for that Savings account nearly inaccessable to me......I already have one I just forgot about it, which was the point, so YAY!

quarter year resolution

2008-04-03T06:17:52Z

New years resolutions never seem to work out, do they?

I'm going to try some quarter year resolutions and see how that works out.

In no particular order:

-Quit smoking
-Save money, in an account that is nearly inaccessable to me.
-Take Rocko on more walks, which is a dramatic increase in the NONE he goes on now.
-Stop my whole non-commitment to school attitude.
-Lose that pesky 15 pounds.
-Find a job. That I like. That pays decently.

Now the more enjoyable resolutions:

-Read all the books on my shelves that have yet to be read.
-Watch more of the movies I want to see.
-Learn to use my sewing machine, and make things that are spectacular!
-Go to a movie at the theatre alone.

If I think of more, perhaps I'll post them.

Nothing too terribly unachievable, right?

what about me?

2008-03-31T06:13:31Z

I have spent the past week around, or hearing, people complaining about how fucking terrible their life is.

cool man.

the only problem is...it's their own damn fault. I'm all for being sympathetic to those who have been dealt a raw hand, but for those who cannot take responsibility for their own choices can eat it.

Yes it sucks that you are getting evicted. however, did you ever think that maybe, just maybe if you had paid your rent you might have avoided the whole situation? Maybe having a job might have assited you. But no.

in another case, yes it sucks that you're getting evicted, however, you knew 30 days ago. That was THIRTY whole days to secure a new place to live, or a room to rent. Now you are pouting because you don't know where you're going to go tomorrow.

I honestly do not understand why it is so difficult for some people to take responsibility for themselves. I don't understand how some people can live their lives thinking that everyone is out to get them, they can do no wrong, that we all owe them something simply for existing.

This is not the way of the world, and with any luck these people will figure it the fuck out.

also....

This whole process of growing up is strange and unfamiliar. I'm apparently becoming the person that no one thinks I can be. It's apparently impossible for me to not want to get wasted, it's impossible for me to not want to do drugs, it however may be impossible that I will quit smoking. I'm okay with that.

someday everything is going to make sense. to a degree. it's all that confusion that keeps it interesting. right?

shoot man...dang

2008-02-13T08:31:54Z

It's weird when people you know die.

I mean...I didn't know him well, but I loved the guy. (at least what I had experienced)

and he was one of those guys that was never supposed to die.

Dude Man.

RIP

fine.

2007-12-17T03:08:38Z

I'll admit it, I'm jealous.

it's a girl.

fuck.

distance

2007-11-29T23:46:17Z

There is far too much distance between me and every. single. person. that I consider to be a close friend.

This leaves me bored, annoyed, and alone 95% of the time.

My relationship with Davey is quickly turning into a relationship of entertainment dependence. And honestly, I think it's bull shit.

Am I that sad that I can't find some way to entertain myself?

apparently.

I need a hobby.

growing (old) up

2007-11-21T00:12:11Z

It's becoming increasingly apparent that I need to make some huge life changes.

I'm only 22.

I feel 40.

I honestly can't remember the last time I woke up and felt well. Or one entire day where I din't feel like hell.

Every ciggarette I've smoked today has made me feel disgusting.

so...

The most logical answer to this problem is to make some huge life changes....right?

In an attempt to not feel like hell I'm going to...

quit smoking
cut back on alcohol (majorly)
stop doing drugs

exercise?

here's to being healthy again.

panicsmith @ 2007-11-13T01:05:00

2007-11-13T09:14:13Z

I said I would fall in love with a boy who was a, b and c things....

ie:

tall
dark
indie

OR

a boy with a beard and dreads who plays guitar and will sing to me even if he thinks he can't.

(or something stupid like that)

I fell in love with a boy who is....

tall
red haired
young
quite young
not indie

AND

a boy with a beard and soft red hair who plays guitar hero and sings to me because he knows he can.

photo love journal

2007-10-24T01:11:05Z

This is done for personal reasons.

Erica, for some reason i think you'll get it.

useless

2007-10-22T08:15:50Z

Ever think about all the bits of useless information you know and use to make yourself seem saavy about everything?

I do.

"girl if you could spread your legs any farther people would begin to think you were a contortionist."

(That little phrase popped into my head today.)(strange)

Every couple years insecure girls call me ugly. I think it's funny. Sometimes I want to walk up to them and say, "yeah...you might think I'm ugly....but I fucked your boyfriend." that would earn me a swift punch in the face I'm sure.

(I love how I always talk about being a total bitch, but when it comes down to it, I'm not.)

someone should have told me it's a bad idea to drink coffee and smoke ciggarettes at 1:15am.

(I have a feeling I won't be going to History tomorrow)

song lyric for Erica: "we are paralell lines, we're running in circles, we're never meant to cross!"

(But the last part is not true)

oh yeah, biological ANYTHING sucks.

tiger field

2007-09-13T23:34:21Z

things always have a way of turning around. sometimes they don't turn around at all, they just feel better. I feel better.

It is what it is.

physical

2007-02-17T23:19:00Z

I didn't realize the physical effects of stress were so terrible.

I'm going to have to quit one of my jobs.

It's a sigh of relief but I big burden on my wallet.

oh well.