Even after all this time,

the world doesn't matter

Who am I?
panicsmith

I find myself constantly reading articles and stories about gay rights, waiting for the day that the LGBTQ community will finally be accepted and I suppose "normalized" in our society. I also find myself doing nothing in support except being supportive quietly. I continuously feel like there is more I should and COULD do.

Here's the kicker.

I classify myself as bisexual. Yes, I am with a man. A man I love. But it could have easily been a woman. My boyfriend doesn't understand. He thinks it's "unnatural". This is a piece of information I just recently discovered. I feel so strongly about the right to love and marry no matter what your orientation, but how am I to go about actively and publicly supporting my beliefs with a partner who so vehemently opposes any of these lifestyles?

For example: my ex girlfriend is now a man. He is an amazing man. When I watch videos of his T transition my boyfriend almost cringes. He can't comprehend how this even exists.

So back to the main point......how am I to try to make a difference on a subject I feel so strongly about with severe misunderstanding, blatant prejudice, and complete naivety on the part of my partner? I feel as though he will somehow shun me for my personal beliefs.

And despite that, who am I to say this when I'm not even an active part of change?

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It's mathematical!
panicsmith

It's New Years! I'm in bed already without a drop of alcohol in my system.

I did the math tonight to see how much money I could save if I quit drinking for
30 days. The number was staggering. A little over $400. So that's my resolution, quit for 30 days, or even more!

I'm also going to work on quitting smoking.

Hooray 2013!

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Once again
panicsmith

I'm in love. Seriously, fuck this shit.

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Holidays shmalidays
panicsmith

Merry christmas. Or something like that.

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I thought I had a problem
panicsmith

I'm almost certain Reid is either dead or in jail. I'm hoping it's just jail.

He came to my house tonight already drunk. Then he was "bored" and wanted to go to the bar. While there we ran into my friend crystal who is involved in pirate radio. She informs us that there is a meeting and we should go. At this point Reid is soooooo drunk he can barely stand. He made a complete ass of himself at the meeting, and in return made an ass of me.

We left the meeting early, no one wanted
Him there. I was trying my best to keep him upright, make sure he made it home. But no, he fucking collapses on the sidewalk. I proceed to call his friend and roommate. I need help. His response is "I'm not letting him in my house like that. This is why he doesn't have a key. He's your man, YOU take care of him."

OH REALLY?!? You really think I want him in my house either?

I finally manage to get him off the ground while I'm still on the phone with his friend, Reid is screaming obscenities incoherently, so I hang up. In classic Reid style he accuses me of calling up an ex, or some random dude I told him who I called and that set him off. He shoved me away and told me to get the fuck away from him. So I did.

Then he followed me. And after 2 more blocks he was "bored" again and wandered off. Told me to fuck myself, flipped me the bird and told me to go home. So I did.

His phone is off. I attempted to call just to check on him. I called the jail too. Wanted to check if he had been booked. The night is still young though.

Perhaps I shouldn't have let him wander off as drunk as he was. But I mean, really? I don't deserve this shit.

What's more is I know he won't remember this in the morning. Just like he didn't remember how awful he was last night.

When he's sober he's the type of man I could fall in love with, thought I was starting to. But sober Reid is like a unicorn.

Ugh. Whatever.

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(no subject)
panicsmith

Who was I to think that everything could be perfect for one moment?

It's never the case. I'm sitting here crying while posting.

Why is it that I want to give it all to those who will inevitably hurt me? And why is it that I know they will hurt me and I still give it all.

My overnight bag with my birth control pills has miraculously become missing at Reid's house. But according to him I'm just a crazy bitch looking for a reason to spy on him when I stop by to grab it.

Work will make me forget. With any luck, the love of my job will make me forget (at least for 6 hours) that this happened.

Hopefully I don't start bleeding.

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Truth
panicsmith

The truth is, things really aren't that bad. I'd love to write about it but I have to go to bed. I'll post soon. Promise.

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Annie, this is why I don't post
panicsmith

My life is a perpetual stream of shit.

Being single has turned me into a monster.

I passionately kissed a married man multiple times tonight. I'm not proud of this. In fact, I am surely never going to see this man again.

The moral of the story (as I stated before) is my life is currently "a perpetual stream of shit."

It's really not worth talking about.

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Girls, this is also for you. For us. Read it. Please.
panicsmith

A strong woman is a woman who is straining
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing "Boris Godunov."
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why aren't you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.

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Clear as day
panicsmith

That feeling when he says he's going to call and doesn't. Then that feeling when you decide to call and it goes to voicemail. Then that feeling when you realize he's the one you've been waiting for all along.

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